My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
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I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
I’d rather go liquor treating.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*