My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
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Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please