My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
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The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
My dog learned how to text
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on