@MelvinofYork

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

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@SardonicTart

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

@Tharin_P

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

@BuckyIsotope

ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*

@aspaul

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

@psybermonkey

[Family game night]

Grandma: what are the rules?

Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head

@CarpeAngela

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.

7: Ding Dong.

Me: What?

7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.

Me: Oh. My. God. 😂

@gaddy_alex

“you said you were 5 min away”

me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..

@CulturedRuffian

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.