*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
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You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“you said you were 5 min away”
me: okay, but I never said where I was 5 min away from..
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.