My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
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I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
We avoided this particular disaster
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Good Morning.
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
my one true gender