@Divergentmama

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

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@drinksmcgee

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.

@iLikeCatShirts

Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.

@TweetPotato314

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

@IamEveryDayPpl

I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.

@poutycorpse

Me, as that guy from the Martian…

Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days

Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days

@PoodleSnarf

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

@iinkedZombie

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

@RKMusings

Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.