I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
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Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Me, as that guy from the Martian…
Day 1: I have enough food for 52 days
Day 2: I have enough food for 9 days
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.