My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
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Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Maybe dogs tilt their heads at us because they can’t roll their eyes.