My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
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According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
This was the best day of my life
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then