my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
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look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?