Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.

I respect that.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?

Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?

Me: Yes.

Husband:

Me:

Husband: No, I did not.

Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.

4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

…u ok Nintendo?

Become ungovernable.

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.

-911 what’s your emergency?

-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.

Me: i thought it was three?

Genie: taxes.

[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

sry

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates