my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
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IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
My dating profile:
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.