My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret

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kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”


Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.


Girl seeing my torn jeans

Where’d you get those?!

*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*

The Gap.


Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.


Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.


Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life


Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.



ME: I’m back from vacation!

BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!

ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days


Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that


Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.