Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
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Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.