He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA