My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

You Might Also Like


He told me he wants my heart
“Sharon I’m pretty sure he’s a serial killer”
No way!
*later on with guy*
Wow you’re really into bondage huh?


[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?


Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee


me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there

friend: that bad huh

me: you have no idea

[earlier in the bathroom]

man in the corner: *throwing pennies*

me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me


Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is


Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.


If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.


Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?

Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.


[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy