My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
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women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
“you recording!?”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star