My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
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I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
I’ve had relationships like this
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber