My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Well, Boatloaf, it began as a typo.
But as soon as I saw it I knew: one day it would be the name of my son.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep