@richardosman

My daughter is in China and sends me photos of mis-translations. This is my new favourite.

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@dave_cactus

ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.

@mattZillaaaa

My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.

@daemonic3

[Easter Sunday]

Who wants to try my Easter bunny microbrew?

“Dad, don’t”

With extra HOPS!

“Dad, stop”

Happy YEASTER!

[Uncle Ted pukes]

@junejuly12

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

@Thynebear

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

@AndrewNadeau0

{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.

@marcgravell

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

@thesulk

Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

@deardilettante

I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.

@BunAndLeggings

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*