ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
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My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Who wants to try my Easter bunny microbrew?
With extra HOPS!
[Uncle Ted pukes]
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*