Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
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Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Interior design 👌
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.