@gerryhallcomedy

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

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@elle91

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

@HenpeckedHal

My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.

@FeelingEuphoric

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

@Iffy_hazard

Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭

@climaxximus

“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant

@Lhlodder

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

@Tbone7219

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.