My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

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I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.


My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.


“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair


Have been an Arsenal fan for barely an hour and I’m already frustrated,how have they been coping for the past decade?😭


“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”

-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant


I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!


I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.