My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
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“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses