my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.