@SaltyCorpse

My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.

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@StephenKing

At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

@Chhapiness

Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight

@thezsmooth

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.

@scorpicpanda

If I’ve learned one thing from watching horror movies, it’s if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.

@DadandBuried

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

@bossy_bootz

Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail

@Wine_Charmer

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.