I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
My background check bounced.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????