At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
My daughter is one eye roll away from being sold to a traveling circus.
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genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
If I’ve learned one thing from watching horror movies, it’s if you buy snacks from vending machines, you will die.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.