My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
What about a To-Don’t List?
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
Yes, it was me. I pulled over and tried to coax those kittens into my van. You can keep your kids. I just want the kittens.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Pickled cat.