I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
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Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
When someone tells you that they cut their own hair, it’s polite to act surprised
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
😂🤣😂🤣
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Labreador