My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
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If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I only say stupid things when I talk.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst