My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

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Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”


Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”


Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.


Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…


coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them


Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?


My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.


Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.


I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.