@Dad_At_Law

My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.

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@TheRolo

Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”

Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”

Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”

@Six_Pack_Mom

Me, to 11 y.o: “You need to apologize to your sister for calling her stupid.”

11: “Okkk… I’m sor- wait. Which sister?”

@Darlainky

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

@TheBoydP

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

@GrantTanaka

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

@FeverFlave

Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?

@daddydoubts

My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”

And so, I am never going to work again.

@ohthatbadger

Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.

@Gorilla_Turd

I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.