My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
This could be us… but you playing
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
R.I.P.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
bad
worse
worst
worchester