My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

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Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.


“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip


Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said


The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening


I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.


The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.


*Dating a Jealous dude*

Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone


I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.


alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower