My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.