@DaddyBeerGuy

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

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@RidiculousSheri

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

@amydillon

“What state are we in now?”

-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip

@Daveastated

Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening

Her: that is literally what I just said

@TheIntComShow

The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening

@eddiepepitone

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

@jergarl

The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

@iam__kaycee

*Dating a Jealous dude*

Him: Baby, where are you?
Her: I’m in the church
Him: Give Jesus the phone

@MasterOfFury

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

@WigCannon

alright. if everything happens for a reason why did i put a scarecrow in the shower