My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

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I’m no scientist, but harnessing the power of teen girls talking would probably solve all the world’s energy woes.


Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.


In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.




The only highlight of a brutal moving day:

Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”

4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”


[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though


*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*