My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

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Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three


friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food


Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.


I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.


The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…


i see a little silhouetto of a bug
can we close the damn window


Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…


Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.