@Boleyngirly

My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”

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@TheAlexNevil

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

@aotakeo

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

@BriarSlyMadness

Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…

…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.

@santhonythomas

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

@IamEveryDayPpl

The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.

@CornOnTheGoblin

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

@MiddleageM

Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…

@hmmmmmnope

Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.