My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
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“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I need better friends
Perfection.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
A dad and his duck
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!