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HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today