My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
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WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Thank you corporation very cool
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.