Listen. If cauliflower can be pizza dough, you can literally do anything.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
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Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me: …. just eat the cake
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
ME: is there a doctor on this flight??
GUY: i’m a doctor
ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy
Hotel clerk: enjoy your stay
Me: thanks, you too
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?