Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
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At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. “No, I’m a professional,” probably wasn’t the answer he expected.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
funny when u get charged by a cash machine to get ur own cash out but then it tells u to cover ur pin to prevent getting robbed.
Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Me: Then I’m not coming.