@notmythirdrodeo

My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

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@heyitsJudeD

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

@MavenofHonor

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

@Cheeseboy22

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

@TheHyyyype

ME: is there a doctor on this flight??

GUY: i’m a doctor

ME: thank god! can you talk to my son? he wants to study philosophy

@DaddyJew

Hotel clerk: enjoy your stay

Me: thanks, you too

@BarneysNose

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

@Kyle_Lippert

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?