My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.

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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”


At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.


Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!


My new dentist asked me if I gag easily. “No, I’m a professional,” probably wasn’t the answer he expected.


Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.


First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.


[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]

sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang

smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!


If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.


funny when u get charged by a cash machine to get ur own cash out but then it tells u to cover ur pin to prevent getting robbed.


Wife: Are you coming or not?
Me: Is there gonna be alcohol?
Wife: It’s your grandmother’s funeral!
Wife: NO!
Me: Then I’m not coming.