does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
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The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Sign at gym says “Judgement Free Zone.” Lets see if they really mean it, I think as I pull a corn dog from my bra while doing the leg press.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.