My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
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A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
scared to check what name she chose
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.