@jngraphs

My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.

You Might Also Like

@jonnysun

spider-man, spidre-man,.
does watever a spider can:
has two legs., he can talk.
wat kind of spider bit this guy

@MichaelTrying

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

@DirtMcTurd

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

@weinerdog4life

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

@perfect_messs

Sign at gym says “Judgement Free Zone.” Lets see if they really mean it, I think as I pull a corn dog from my bra while doing the leg press.

@nayele18maybe

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

@lazerdoov

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

@LlamaInaTux

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

@TheWoodenslurpy

Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.

@FannyB1tch

Was glancing through the Obituaries this morning and found it really creepy that all these people managed to die in alphabetical order.