My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
There is a mile long line of cars stopped ahead, but go ahead and honk at the guy in front of you. It might help.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Mmmm canned fish.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.