yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
You Might Also Like
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.