My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
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Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?