*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
You Might Also Like
Just a bear doing some pole dancing ❤️
A cooked human contains around 81500 calories, enough to feed me for 2 months.
Anyways hi, I’m Krispy & this is my first time speed dating.
Having swords for arms was a terrible first wish but it was a genie and I blurt weird things out when I panic.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.
And this, kids, is why education is key.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
[first day as a psychic]
Boss: You’re fired.
Me: Man, I did not see that coming.
Boss: And now you know why.