When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.