My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
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Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee