My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
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“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.