Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
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She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.