Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
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Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
No, I don’t think I will.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”