My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese