@MelvinofYork: My daughter just said "my friends all think you're cool but I know you're not." Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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@stopbylater: Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
@JohnLyonTweets: -Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes. -He has sex with fish? -He's dead. -I'm not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn't sound very safe.
@DontTouchMyWine: I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword. Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
@chuuew: [pulled over] COP: Did you know you were speeding? ME: I didn't even know I was driving COP: Out