@MelvinofYork: My daughter just said "my friends all think you're cool but I know you're not." Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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@Dan_Haak: [Dog Court] Judge: How do you find the defendant? Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy. *dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
@Jam453Lane: They always say to follow your gut, that's why this is my 11th trip to the fridge for another beer.
@Jessdaisy: I'm "the cord popped out of the phone cause I tried to stretch it from the kitchen to my room" years old