My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
You Might Also Like
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
Perfect.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Canadian owl: Eh?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…