[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
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A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
BIRD FACT: cardinals often engage in prolonged violent fights with their own reflections and you know what cardinals, I’m pushing 40 I get it
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
If anyone tried to steal my identity I would just think “now it’s their problem.”
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.