[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
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Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.