@Thee1_4U

My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.

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@carlyken

My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”

@fightgeek

we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably

@GeorgiaSweet20

Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.

@SnarkyMommy78

Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.

@Maxine12333

I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.

@Shade510

Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.

@Tuna_Lover

I’m not a Doctor, but I played one until I got arrested.

@seamussaid

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

@UtahMomsLife

My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.