My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.

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I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.


Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*


Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!


My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.


I have a stalker now and it’s super creepy. She shows up wherever I go… her house, her job, the women’s restroom. I don’t know what to do.


Do kids eat more under quarantine?

Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.


If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.


The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.


Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*