My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
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13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I wish this was real life…
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*