My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.

I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.

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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.


Teacher: don’t do drugs, kids

Also teacher: here’s a kaleidoscope, go listen to songs about dragons


My driver’s side window is stuck closed. I may starve to death.


Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!


hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal


100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.


I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.


When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.


I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.


My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying don’t run into anyone you know