My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
bout dat hot dog summer
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter