My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
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Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
my first dose meeting my second
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Worst perfume name ever.