My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.