@MelvinofYork

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

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@iinkedZombie

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

@CoopSoSarc

We decided to go out for bbq tonight.

As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.

@Mardigroan

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

@Book_Krazy

*Condom Co*

[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]

“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”

ME: Ribbit

“Genius”

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

@GrantTanaka

wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot

@usermcuserface

10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.

@Vice_Queen

OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!

~ My dog every time I use a broom

@Darlainky

I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?