@MelvinofYork: My daughter just straight up out of the blue said "daddy if you ever get shot I hope it's in the belly so your fat will save you" WTF
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@GodAnimalBooks: Dog: am I a wolf? God: no you’re a dog. Dog: what’s the difference? God: wolves live in a pack. Dog: like a family? God: ok yes. Dog: I am a wolf! God: but wolves howl at the moon. Dog: so? God: you bark at appliances. Dog: [offended] I do not! God: [turns on vacuum].
@KellyMeldrum: Studies show that if you begin a sentence with "studies show," the internet will believe you.
@_coryrichardson: me: [handing back newborn son] idk man his vibe is off doctor: what me: im not vibing with this baby man doctor: *to my wife* is he being serious my wife: your vibe is kinda off too man idk
@: [my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don't tell him, he's never known the truth [me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL