Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
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We decided to go out for bbq tonight.
As it turns out, I’m too immature to discuss how to smoke your meat with strangers.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
10 years later if Romeo and Juliet had lived:
Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
Sigh….trying to watch the game here Julie.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?