My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
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There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
When can I start eating bats again.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.