Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
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u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.
But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”