My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
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If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.