@lmegordon

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

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@iLikeCatShirts

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

@Rlpihl

u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith

@euanDroberts

And the Lord said to Peter “come forth and you will receive eternal life”.

But Peter came fifth and won a toaster.

@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

@nayele18maybe

Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.

@karanbirtinna

Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*

Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!

@DrakeGatsby

The Internet is good for two things

1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@RowdyBowden

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”